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The Five-Year Mark

Sondra

It’s not October yet, but as the month approaches I always look back to the event that changed my life. This year I will reach the five-year mark, and I want to share my story with you in hopes that you will see how important early detection and yearly mammograms are.

Five years ago I discovered a lump in my left breast. I had just turned 41 six months earlier. Eight months earlier I’d had my first mammogram at 40 years-old. Just like I was supposed to. The mammogram was clear and I was relieved to be done for the year. I gave it no more thought until I found the lump.

Upon my discovery I promptly scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I didn’t think it was anything to be concerned about, but I also knew not to put it off. It was late October before the doctor could see me. He ordered some labs, which all came back normal; and a diagnostic mammogram.

It would be late November, the day before Thanksgiving before the mammogram could be scheduled. Gotta love healthcare in the US. I went for the appointment and after the mammogram the radiologist wanted to do an ultrasound for a closer look. He gave it a BI RAD score of 4C and then scheduled me for a biopsy.

The biopsy didn’t happen for another couple of weeks. Once again, no one really seemed to be in a hurry. But as the days and weeks kept passing, I was growing more and more frustrated with the timetable.

At the time of the biopsy, the results were found to be invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC) about the size of a marble. That was early December. My doctor then scheduled me to see a surgeon. When the surgeon’s office called me, however, they told me that I couldn’t see that particular surgeon until January 31, 2016. I had a redheaded meltdown right there on the phone in my office at work. I told them while everyone was just dragging their feet like it was no big deal, I had something growing inside of me and I wanted it out immediately. I demanded the first available appointment with the first available surgeon in that office. The woman on the phone told me she would have to clear it with my doctor since his orders were for a different surgeon. I told her my doctor was an idiot (he was…after ordering the diagnostic mammogram and returning to him for the results, he asked me why I was in his office that day…don’t get me started). Anyway, I told the lady on the phone that it was my body and I had a right to request another surgeon. She gave me the next available appointment with the next available surgeon, but that was still two weeks out.

I had the surgeon consult mid-December and returned for surgery on December 26. At the time of the surgery the lump had grown to the size of a bouncy ball you get in one of those quarter machines. In four weeks the cancer had doubled in size.

Four weeks isn’t a long time when you are waiting on a vacation, or for school to get out, or for your wedding day. Four weeks is an eternity when you are waiting on surgery to remove cancer from your body. Had I waited to get the lump looked at; had I accepted the timeline for the surgeon; things could have had a much different outcome. I caught it early. It seemed like the lump popped up overnight. My cancer was highly aggressive, but because of early detection the prognosis was good. I still had a very long journey…lumpectomy and lymph node dissection, six rounds of a four-drug chemotherapy cocktail (the first dose took 6.5 hours), two hospital stays (one in ICU after almost dying on my son’s graduation day), 36 radiation treatments, 16 doses of a maintenance drug, and recommended 10 years of tamoxifen (I did one year and ended up with a pulmonary embolism).

Even today, five years after I discovered the lump that changed my life, I still deal with long-term side effects of chemo and radiation. I forget what word I want to say sometimes. I can’t remember anything without writing it down. I still have to go to the oncologist every six months. I still get nervous before every mammogram. I am super-sensitive to changes in my body and there are days when I have to fight the urge to wonder if the cancer has returned. It would be so easy to live there, but I don’t want to. I refuse to let it have anymore of my life than what it’s already stolen.

I am not telling you this so you will feel sorry for me. I’m telling you this so you know how important early detection and yearly mammograms are. It could be the difference between life or death. I know mammograms are uncomfortable, but they sure beat having your port accessed every three weeks or having a sunburn from radiation. And they don’t hurt nearly as bad as radiation fibrosis in your shoulder four years after treatment.

Schedule your mammogram. Make time for self-care. Listen to me. Self-care isn’t selfish. Use your personal days for something that brings you joy. Go get a massage. Get your nails done. Take a weekend by yourself. Do it! You are beautiful and you are worth it.

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Summer Nights

Sondra

Can you believe that I don’t have one single picture from the 4th of July? Normally, I do. Historically I have taken so many 4th of July fireworks pictures that it is crazy. They all look the same from year to year, and I end up missing the real fireworks because I’m watching the camera or phone screen. So this year I didn’t even take my camera. Legit, as we’re walking out the door to go to our friends’ house, my husband asks in disbelief, “You’re not taking your camera?” No. I practiced being present this year and enjoyed watching the fireworks with my husband. Choice well made.

I do have a couple new pictures to share, however.

I cannot be sure that the little light streaking through the northwestern sky is the comet Neowise, but it could be. Even so, I liked the colors in the sunset sky.
I tried my hand at catching the stars. It was not a clear night, and in fact, there was lightening off to the north. I tried to catch a bolt or two for about an hour before I gave up and used my remote shutter release to shoot some stars.

Summer nights in the country are the best! As I was standing out t here in the field with my camera gear, I was reminded of so, so many nights under the stars as a kid–catching lightning bug (or fireflies, if you prefer) and sleeping in the tree house or a tent in the yard. Those were the best nights, and still are!

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Just a Girl and Her Camera

Sondra
This isn’t me; it’s a stock image.

I’ve found myself taking a lot of photos lately. I always take a lot, but being home and not able to go to many places amid the COVID-19 pandemic, I have taken more. In reality, I think it’s been because I am so sick of hearing all the negative in the world right now so I’ve turned off the TV and social media, picked up my camera, and looked for something positive to share.

My interest in photography goes all the way back to when I was a kid and my grandpa would bring his camera down to the farm every time they came for lunch. That was long before digital cameras, of course, and he had this big bag that carried the camera body and a lens or two, a light meter, a flash, and his notebook and pen. I knew that I loved his camera. It was big and shiny and heavy. I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to pick it up, but I did because I needed to feel it in my hands. I was hooked from that moment. Every time he came down, we had to pose for a picture, and it took FOREVER to get the camera set up. I had no idea at the time what was taking so long. I had never heard of aperture, ISO, and shutter speed. I just knew I was tired of standing there. As we posed, Grandpa would take a picture, make a note in his notebook, and the adjust some settings for round two. I don’t know if he took photos of other things because most of the pictures I saw were of us and our cars.

Grandpa had a dark room off his garage that I went into one time. I thought that was the coolest thing that he could develop his own pictures and didn’t have to take them to Walmart and wait for days to see the results of his photo shoot.

Another influence for me was Linda, our babysitter when we were young. She had a much simpler set-up than my Grandpa and would snap random pictures as we played or celebrated birthdays and everyday things. There was no posing. Her shots were 100% candid…life photos. Her camera was a pocket 110. The long, skinny camera with a flash cube that went on top that spun around as you took a picture. I thought that camera was so cool.

I loved that camera so much that when I was old enough to get my own, that is what I wanted. I used it for many years, along with a Vivitar point and shoot.

 When I was older and out of high school, I got a Minolta 35mm with a zoom lens. It was still a film camera, but that zoom lens made me so happy. I took so many pictures with it that the flash quick working and the camera was no good anymore. I purchased another 35mm with a zoom lens, I believe that one was a Bell and Howell.

I didn’t use it for too long until the digital age opened new horizons.

My first digital camera was a Kodak 3.4MP with no zoom. I drove everyone crazy with the all the pictures I took with that thing.

One day I got a notification in my mailbox that I had a package at the post office to pick up. The only information on the card was that it was from a Michigan zip code. My Aunt Barbara and Uncle Ken (and several cousins) live in Michigan and regularly mailed packages to the kids, but it wasn’t anyone’s birthday or anniversary. The package was addressed to me and I opened it right there in the parking lot of the post office. Inside was a Canon PowerShot digital camera!

It was an upgrade to 4.3MP and a zoom! The note inside said that they had upgraded to a new camera and wanted me to have their old one and to keep taking pictures. And that I did! A few years later I upgraded to a Kodak 10MP, 10X Zoom and passed the Canon on to my nephew who was interested in photography.

From there I went to a Fuji 16.9MP, 40X zoom and wow! I took that thing with me everywhere. I even took it on a float trip, and it ended up in the river. Thankfully it was sealed in a waterproof bag! I absolutely loved that camera. It looked like a small version of a DSLR and was capable of shooting in manual mode, if I so chose to do. I did not. The settings were still very confusing to me. But I had wanted and couldn’t afford a DSLR for so long and I loved the way this one felt in my hands. When I got that camera, I gifted the Kodak 10MP, 10X zoom to an aspiring photographer friend in need of a camera.

This is me with my Fuji several years ago.

One summer day I was in the pawn shop in my hometown when I happened to walk down the camera aisle. I wasn’t in there looking for a camera. I was looking for a guitar stuff as I was in the process of learning to play. I looked on the shelf and there sat a Nikon D3100 body, two lenses, and a camera bag. I didn’t know anything about the camera, so I took out my phone and did a search. I looked at the price tag, knowing there was no way I could afford this camera kit. I almost fell over when I saw that it was only priced at $150. And the store did layaway! I quickly called my husband and told him that I wanted it—I had wanted it for years—and this was a REALLY good deal. I didn’t put it on layaway. I knew that there was no way that I could wait to use this camera if I bought it, so I paid for it in full and took it home that day. I don’t remember what the picture count was on that camera when I upgraded to my D3400, but I know that I probably used that camera daily.

I’ve had the D3400 for a couple years now and I love it, of course, but I don’t know that I will ever not want another camera. I expect it’s like any car guy or gun collector. You simply must have it.

Over the years I’ve taken pictures of just about everything. Clouds, cars, flowers, birds, sunrises, and sunsets. Landscapes, city-scapes; pets, wildlife; babies, seniors; ballgames, concerts, tractor pulls, races; birthdays, holidays, fireworks; and everything in between. I love photographing it all and I want to share my photos.

~Sondra

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Early Morning Adventure

Sondra

I got up super early this morning and took the camera out. I am not one to get up early unless I have a good reason, and this morning I wanted to get to the creek before all of the swimmers and fishermen showed up. It is so peaceful in the early mornings with the sounds of the water and the birds. I even heard an owl and some frogs. And you can’t beat the smell of a creek. It brings back so many memories of fishing and swimming as a kid.

I arrived at the creek around 5:15am and it was still pretty dark. First, I walked around with my camera and an 18-55mm lens and scoped out the best place to set up. I did snap a few pictures of the clouds and the light reflecting in the water.

I picked a place to set up the tripod and camera to try some long exposure shots of the water flowing over the rocks and began shooting. I used anywhere from 1″ to 4″ shutter speed with a very low ISO to create the smoothness of the water. I switched over to my 70-200mm lens so I could zoom in on the “rapids”.

For long exposure photography, it’s really important that the camera doesn’t move while the shutter is open for extended periods. Instead of using a remote shutter release, I used the shutter timer for these shots. It’s a pretty simple trick to use if you don’t have a remote handy.

I had around 30 minutes of some great light for long exposures before I would have had to get the ND filters out of my bag. This was the perfect time of day for creating these shots!

This last photo is how the creek looks using “auto mode” to capture the scene. Still beautiful, but I love the smoothness the long exposure created.

While I was shooting this morning, there was a crane on the other bank looking for breakfast. The lighting wasn’t good enough to get a photo of him without using the flash and scaring him away. Maybe another time.

~Sondra

gratitude, Life, Uncategorized

Tornadoes & Rainbows

Sondra

tornadoes and rainbows

A little backstory on the name of the blog:

I teach preschool and work with children ages 3-5 years old. Last year one of my students drew me a picture. If you’ve ever seen the art of this age group, you know that mostly it is straight lines and some circles. You can’t tell what the picture is unless you ask. And, for future reference, it’s best to ask in this way: “Tell me about your picture.” When you ask “What did you draw?” or when you assume and say “You drew a dinosaur” when in reality they drew a picture of their mom, well, it could end badly. So say things like, “Tell me about your picture.” Just trust me on this.

On this particular day, a five year-old girl brought me a picture that she drew on a half piece of construction paper. There are linear scribbles and what looks like a squiggly line. I said, “Susie (not her real name), tell me about your picture.” She said, “It’s tornadoes and rainbows.” I said, “You drew tornadoes and rainbows.” She then launched into a story about a storm recently when she was afraid of a tornado and at the end there was a rainbow.

And then it hit me. It’s all tornadoes and rainbows. Some days the storm clouds form and we might worry. Some days there are ligit storms that we must go through. And some days are rainbows. A beautiful, colorful, peaceful rainbow.

I’ve seen many tornadoes and rainbows in my life, as I am sure that you have as well. I’ve had storms. I’ve had emotional storms, health storms, financial storms, relational storms. As a mom and preschool teacher I’ve had days that feel like I’ve walked right into the path of a tornado. As a woman I’ve faced the storm of cancer. And I’ve rainbows. Rainbows like that friend who took my kids for an afternoon so I could catch up on housework. Rainbows like a hug from a preschool friend at just the right time. Rainbows like a friend who took every Tuesday off to take me to chemotherapy appointments. Rainbows like a day-trip to a baseball game with my adult sons. Rainbows like a peaceful Saturday spent with my husband. I could go on and on, but you know what I’m talking about and can fill in your own.

That day in preschool I learned something profound. Life is all just tornadoes and rainbows. Embrace them. The tornadoes help you grow, the rainbows give you peace. Without the tornadoes, you won’t appreciate the rainbows.

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De-Cluttering My Stuff

Sondra

William Morris said, “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” While I love that quote, I have not lived by it.

I’ve been de-cluttering for what seems like 25 years. Seriously. I got married, acquired all this junk, and I’ve been trying to get rid of it for the past 25 years. I throw something away and three things immediately appear in its place. No joke.

I’ve read books, I’ve watched episodes of Horders for inspiration; and yet, I still have a junk problem. What gives?

This fall my husband and I bought a camping trailer. It isn’t fancy. In fact, we have a lot of work to fix it up. This summer it will be ready for me to live in. I’m a teacher, so I have the summer off and I’ve decided to do a little experiment in which I live in the camping trailer.

A little backstory. My husband works out and is gone through the week. And my two adult sons still live in our home. I need space. I need room to breathe. I need to be able to have a “no-pants” day when I want!

So I’ve decided to live in the renovated camper for the summer. When I decided this, of course, the first thing I thought of was, what can I take with me? And then I thought about all the stuff I have and what I could and could not live without. Oh my!

I have no idea what I’m going to take with me into the woods this summer, but one thing is for certain, I can’t take much.

Faith, Uncategorized

I Used To

Sondra

I’m sitting here in my favorite chair. It’s dark. Everyone is asleep. Except for the humming of my heated back massager, the house is quiet. I can’t really be this old.

But I am this old. It’s not old as in “at the end of life” old. Or “silver-haired” old. More like “mid-life” old. Not quite “over-the-hill” old, but “I can see the summit from here” old. That’s where I am. At least I don’t have any gray hair yet.

As I sit here in my favorite chair, sipping my Coke Zero, and listening to the hum, I am thinking about something that stuck out to me in Bible study tonight: Seasons. It wasn’t the point of tonight’s lesson, but it’s what I took home. At one point in the lesson, the conversation went to the fact that we are all gifted in some way. God has given us special talents and gifts to use in ministry and for His glory. Ephesians 2:10 says that we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, to do the works He had planned for us from the beginning. God created us to do certain things. All of us have different gifts, of course, but we’re to use them collectively to advance the Kingdom. Makes sense.

What struck me, however, was when the teacher of the class started asking us what we thought our gifts were. She asked the oldest one in the room first…a mighty woman of God who has lived for Him all her life. Her answer was, “Well, I used to teach, but I can’t do that anymore.” Next up was another senior citizen. Her response, “I used to bake bread, but I don’t do that anymore.” Next was another older lady who said, “I used to sing, but I don’t do that anymore.” All of these women are prayer warriors and encouragers and helpers now. Just because they can’t do what they used to do doesn’t mean they no longer do anything. It’s those three little words that hit me, though. “I used to.” Why? Because I can say those words, too. “I used to teach.” “I used to be a youth leader.” And you can say those three words, too. “I used to take care of the nursery.” “I used to clean the church.” “I used to _____________.” You fill in the blank. We all have things we used to do.

Is it wrong that we don’t do them anymore? Not necessarily, and that is what I am thinking about tonight. Life is made up of seasons. And God sometimes only calls us to a certain thing for a season. It’s not a bad thing when the season ends. It’s sometimes a hard thing when the season ends, but it’s not bad. It just means that He has other plans for you and needs to move you somewhere else.

And so I was curious and went online to do a spiritual gifts test. I hadn’t taken one in a few years, and I wanted to know if my giftings had changed. They have changed dramatically. When I was in the youth pastor season, my giftings were leadership, administration, teaching. Those gifts fall somewhere in the middle now and have been replaced by faith. Faith was one of the lowest scores I had the last time I took the test. That was before cancer. I definitely needed faith to get through that.

My point is, God equips us for the season we are in. Embrace it. God created you to be exactly where you are right now and He wants you to walk in the gifts He’s given you.

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Passionless, Powerless, Prayerless

Sondra

I’m supposed to be writing today, but I can’t really find a direction to go in. Writer’s block? Perhaps. That’s what I thought it was until I read something this morning in Priscilla Shirer’s book “Fervent.” 

Passionless. Powerless. Prayerless.

Three simple words, but oh, the punch they packed as they took aim right in the middle of my forehead. That is where I am at this moment in my life. Don’t judge just yet. I took a break from everything during cancer, for obvious reasons. And I extended the break from most things after cancer so that I could rest and focus. I did not want to return to the pre-cancer pace where everything felt just a degree away from chaotic. That’s not when I’m at my best. I wanted to really focus and be able to devote my whole self to the task at hand instead of just throwing what I had leftover at it and hoping for the best. So, for the past year, I’ve been practicing “the best yes.” I’ve turned down a lot of things—good things, but not the best things for me. And now I’m ready to jump back in the game, but am not sure where. The passions I had prior to taking a break are no longer there. That season of my life is over, and that’s ok. That’s natural. But when I sat down and asked myself, “What are you passionate about?” I came up with nothing. And so, when I read those three words this morning—passionless, powerless, prayerless—they hit with frightening accuracy. 

I know what you’re thinking and no, I don’t mean prayerless as in no prayer at all. I pray. I pray in the mornings and when I need God to help in a certain situation. I sometimes remember to pray before I eat, but not usually. The prayers I pray are not passionate or powerful. They don’t have a lot of substance. They are surface prayers, much like superficial conversation with an acquaintance you meet on the street. They are safe prayers. They are prayers that don’t cost me anything. They are prayers that don’t require action from me. And I’m not okay with that anymore because to move out of this place of passionless, powerless prayer, I have to begin to pray bold prayers.

There was a time in my life when I prayed those kinds of prayers. I drew a circle and staked claim on things in prayer. After all, you have not because you ask not. Not long ago, my prayers were passionate. I prayed fervently for people and situations. I prayed for God to use me and I meant it.

There was also a time when my prayers were powerful. Things happened when I prayed. I look back through the prayer notebook I kept a couple years ago and see the answers in response to my prayers. That was exciting. It was thrilling to know that God heard me and that He was at work in each of the situations. I couldn’t wait to see what He was going to do in the circumstances I invited Him into through prayer.

So why did I stop? Did God change His response? Did He stop answering? Did God change how He communicates with me? No. I changed in how I communicate with Him. Why? Perhaps it was because of fear that He’d ask me to do another hard thing. Maybe it was because after coming through cancer, I felt like I could stay with the stuff while everyone else went to the battle. But that’s just it. It’s because I’ve gone through cancer that I should be in the middle of the battle. It’s because I’m a victor in that battle that I should be out front in the next one. God didn’t heal me from cancer so that I could sit on the sidelines and do nothing. If He didn’t want me to do anything, He’d have taken me home. He has something for me to do, but before I can do it, I must change those three words that characterize my life at this moment. I must change from passionless, powerless, prayerless to prayerful, powerful, passionate. 

Passionate, powerful prayer gains much. 

Uncategorized

On Assignment

Sondra

You gotta love Facebook’s “On This Day” app. If you don’t use it, you should. 

Let me give you an example. On this day in 2014, I posted this status update:

“‘The outcome of your life will be determined by your outlook on life.’ (Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day)

Your perception becomes your reality. If you see yourself as a victim, you will live defeated. If you see yourself as a victor, you will live victoriously. Sounds almost too simple, doesn’t it?”

I still totally believe that, but I think I might even believe it more now than I did when I posted it. It’s almost like I said it and then God said, “Show me.” He does that sometimes. Not because He needs to know if we mean it. He knows our hearts. He does it so that we can see if we really mean it. He does it so that we can bring Him glory.
You see, a year after I posted that, I started chemo and if ever I was going to choose to be a victim or a victor, it was in that journey. There is nothing glorious about chemo or cancer. There is very little dignity when you are lying in a hospital bed in one of those stylish gowns, pusing the call button every time you neded to go to the bathroom. If I wanted to be a victim, I would have certainly been justified. 

Maybe you’re going through something right now and you feel like a victim. Maybe you’ve been cheated or hurt or you’re going through health issues. You feel like you’re justified in being a victim. Don’t stay there. Give yourself 24 hours to grieve and yell and whatever you need to do and then move out of the victim pit. Continuing to view yourself as a victim will cause the pit of bitterness and resentment to grow so deep that you cannot get out. “Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5). 

The morning is not a literal 24 hours, of course. It’s a figure of speech to describe when th darkness ends and the light shines through. On Morning is when you wake up and see yourself as a victor because when that happens, you invite God into that circumstance and allow Him to change you. To strengthen you. To be glorified through you. That is our assignment. That’s what we are here to do…to point to God. That is true worship. Don’t let what is wrong with you–your circumstances, your struggles, your pain–keep you from worshipping what is right with God. 

It’s human nature to ask why when we find ourselves facing difficulties. Some even say, “If God is good, why does He allow this to happen?” When I look at the circumstances in my life in terms of assignments God has given to me, my whole outlook changes. I’m here because this is where God wants me. I’m going through this because God has a grand plan for me. I’m here to point to God and bring Him glory. 

And when we’re finished with our assignments, He’ll say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

~Sondra

Cancer, Survivorship, Uncategorized

The Finish Line

Sondra

I crossed the finish line today. This past year’s journey has been a long, grueling marathon. There were hills and valleys, there was scorching heat and cold rains. The wind tried to knock me off course several times. But today I crossed the finish line.

I’m not a runner by any stretch of the imagination. I like the thought of it. I’ve started the couch to 5k plan a few times, but never gotten past the second week. So I don’t know what a runner feels when they cross the finish line in a long race. I imagine there is elation. I would think there would be a sense of accomplishment. Pride. A need to celebrate the victory. And then a crash from exhaustion. That’s exactly how I feel after finishing the year-long battle. I’m elated that I won. I feel proud that I made it through everything I’ve gone through this year. It is true that you don’t know how strong you are until you are tested.

There were so many times I wondered if I’d ever cross the finish line. There were nights when I wasn’t even sure the finish line was real. And then I could see the finish line, but didn’t seem to be moving toward it with any amount of speed at all. But I finally crossed it today.

And I feel tired. I feel like I can finally let my defenses down and just rest. Pretty sure I hear a beach somewhere calling my name….

~Sondra