It Is Well

I’ve done a lot of reflecting the past couple of weeks. I don’t know why, exactly, that it is happening now. Maybe it’s the new medication. Maybe it’s a survivor thing. It could be a combination of both, I’m not really sure.

What I do know is that when I look back over this past year, it’s hard to believe that it happened. Some days it feels like a really bad dream that went on and on forever. I know it wasn’t a dream because the scars are there and I still have this foreign object known as a port protruding from my chest. But it doesn’t seem real when I look back. Or maybe it’s real, but it doesn’t seem like it was me. Like one of those dreams when you feel like you are hovering overhead, watching yourself. Maybe that’s what it feels like. Like I watched it happen to someone else.

But I know that it happened to me because I can see the effects. Cancer changes you. The treatment does things to your body, of course, but the cancer experience changes your whole being. I read a quote today that said, “Sometimes God allows you to face Goliaths in your life so you can find the David within.” Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is to make you stronger. Or show you that you are strong when you thought that you weren’t. I read a book in the midst of my journey called, “Stronger” by Clayton King. I recommend it.

Before cancer, I was a wimp. The least little thing went wrong and I was whining, sometimes to God, sometimes to a friend, but I was whining nonetheless. I thought tiny inconveniences were the end of the world as we knew it. After cancer, I’ve learned to stand and say, “It is well.” Storms and hard times and inconveniences are going to come into our lives, but we can trust God through the storm. Sometimes He calms the storm, but sometimes He calms His child in the midst of the storm. He didn’t calm my storm. I went through the whole process and it was hard. There were nights I thought I was going to die and there were a few when I wanted to. I prayed for healing every day, but trusted that if healing didn’t come, God was still in charge and He had a bigger plan.

I think that’s the hardest part about storms. Trusting God no matter what. We have no problem trusting Him for healing or deliverance out of the storm. That’s what we want to happen. We want the easy way out. Trusting God through it is another matter, but I can promise you from experience that the same God who heals and delivers is the same God who holds us for the duration. To quote a Casting Crowns song that got me through some difficult days, “When you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on, and just be held.”

I can’t tell you why we go through things. I know that God has a plan, but sometimes it’s hard to see what that plan is. What I can tell you is that it is well. It might not feel like it right now, but it is well. It might not sound like it right now, but it is well. It might not look like it right now, but It. Is. Well.



I’ve wanted to start blogging again for a few days. Of course, I haven’t had time to do it, but I’ve wanted to. And today seems like the perfect time to start.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I needed to have a check-up with my blood pressure, but i also wanted the doctor to check out the lump I found in my breast a couple weeks ago. It is in the same location where they did two mammograms back in February. He ordered another mammogram. I don’t have one scheduled yet, but they are supposed to call to make an appointment. Hopefully Monday.

I’m a type A personality, so I want to get it over with ASAP. I don’t need a mammogram to tell me there is something there because I can feel it there. I need to skip to the step where they just do a test to figure out what it is and then deal with it. But, I wait, which is hard for me.

It’s not that I’m worried. Not much. I don’t believe that it is anything to worry about. I believe that it is nothing. I don’t expect to have to go through a long journey with this. But, if it turns out to be something and I do have to go on a long journey, I trust that God’s got this. I trust that this is part of His plan for me and that He has it all under control. I trust that, if this is something, my world is not falling apart, but it’s falling into His plan that He had for my life from the very beginning. I am His masterpiece…His best work…created to do the good works He had planned for me from the beginning. Before He formed me in the womb, He knew me. He knew exactly where I would be today. And where I’ll be tomorrow.

Today, my faith is strong. Today there is no wavering in me. I can’t promise tomorrow will be like this. I can’t tell you that I won’t be an emotional wreck tomorrow. I can’t promise that fear won’t overtake me tomorrow. All I know is that, through every single breath, I must trust God.