Author: Sondra

Wife. Mom. Teacher. Cancer Survivor. Writer. Photographer. Music lover. Outdoor Adventurist. Crazy Pet Lady.
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Call me “Victor”

Sondra

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Last year around this time, I went to the breast center and had a biopsy on the lump that I had found and then had been confirmed by mammogram and ultrasound. The memories of that day are so vivid. It’s a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. On that day, my life changed forever. It was on that day that I found out that I was about to go through the fight of my life.

After the biopsy came surgery and then the port placement a month later. Four days later I started the first of six rounds of chemo. There were two five day hospital stays in the mix, one of which included the ICU. There was six-and-a-half weeks of radiation, five days a week. There were spans of days when I couldn’t get out of bed. There were days I was so restless that I couldn’t lie down, sit up, or stand for longer than a couple minutes. And there were nights I thought would never end.

Chemo almost killed me and cancer changed my life. It showed me how strong that I am. And it put everything into perspective.

Today I returned to the breast center for the follow-up mammogram. I had no idea that it would be as emotional as it was. There was fear. There was a sense of loneliness. There was that pukie feeling in the pit of my stomach. I walked into a room full of women wearing pink gowns. All of them had their full head of hair and I did not. They looked at me and you could see the fear in their eyes. You could see their worry, and their pity. When you have cancer, people feel sorry for you and they don’t want to be you all at the same time. It has never been so evident as it was today.

I sat there in the chair, holding my phone, texting my friend for support and trying not to let the other women see me crying. I noticed that old re-runs of “Home Improvement” were on the TV. Why in the world was a room full of women watching “Home Improvement”??? I went back to my phone. My friend had asked if I wanted her to come. Yes, I did, but I didn’t tell her that. They called my name.

The room was cold, of course. They always are. The mammography tech was soft-spoken and I could tell she was as nervous as I was. It seemed like it was taking forever to go through the questions and get the computer set up. Finally it was time for the scan. I didn’t punch anyone, which is saying a lot. J I asked when I would know the results and was informed that I would know something before I left that day.

Ten months ago I found out that I was about to go through the fight of my life. Today I found out that I won. Call me “Victor”. I wanted to jump up and down. I wanted to shout. I wanted to cry. I felt like I could breathe again.  I felt like the turtle in a picture I saw a few days ago. He’s slowly making his way across the sand and back to the water. That’s how I feel. I’ve been out of my comfort zone for so long. This journey has been long and hard—the hardest thing I’ve ever done–but I can finally almost touch the water where I can swim freely.

Faith

Mere Words

Sondra

There are no mere words. In a world where words are so readily available, in print, online, streaming over a podcast, or blaring out of the TV or radio, there are no mere words.

If you’re like me, you have had more than enough of the words coming from election campaigns, yet they are still spewing forth. The candidates use words to attack and tear each other down. They use words to try to sway people to their side of the issue. Words are a strategy to gain votes. We know, of course, that most of them are lies and used solely to take the focus off of oneself and place it on the opponent.

Those are obviously negative words. But not all words are bad. People use them to communicate love and compassion. Words are used to teach, to advise, and to direct. They are used to praise, encourage, and comfort. They convey appreciation.

Words have meaning. They have a purpose. Good or bad. There are no mere words. They build up or tear down. Encourage or discourage. Comfort or cause distress. Heal or hurt. Bless or curse.

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21)

“Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!” (James 3:9-10)

Words are powerful. By them, God created the whole universe and everything in it. He spoke them into being. Likewise, our words have the power to speak things into being. I see this every day as a preschool teacher. I can say, “Don’t run” to a child and he continues to run. I can say, “You can use your safe feet in the classroom” and the child slows to a walk (usually). I am speaking that into existence. How many times have you heard someone say “ice cream” and not long after that you are craving it? Words have the power of suggestion. You can wake up in the morning and complain about being tired and all of the things that you have to do that day, and chances are, you’ll have a long day full of work. Or you can wake up in the morning and choose to say something positive and your day goes better. It’s the same day, but your attitude is different because you chose to speak the positive instead of the negative.

I lived this while I was going through chemo. There were so many days that I did not even have the strength to get out of bed. There were nights when I felt like I would not make it through. But I refused to complain. Why? Because I had the choice. Every day I had the choice to complain about the situation, and I would have been justified in that, but what good would it have done? It would have made me feel even worse. I chose instead to be positive. Our words follow our thoughts and our actions follow our words.

My challenge to you is, for the next few days, be mindful of the words that are coming out of your mouth. Evaluate them. Are they speaking life or bringing death? Are they building up or tearing down? Are they blessing or cursing? There is no in between. Words are not idle. Once they are released into the atmosphere, they are moving to accomplish their purpose. There are no mere words.

Health, Uncategorized

New Normal

Sondra

It’s been a really long time since I have posted anything. In my defense, it’s been one heck of a year!

Around this time last year I found a lump in my breast and went to the doctor to have it checked out. He ordered a mammogram. The radiologist who read the mammogram ordered an ultrasound. After reading the ultrasound, he informed me that it needed a biopsy. I went for that in December and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had the lumpectomy at the end of December, the port placement four weeks later, and started chemo the following week. I ended up in the hospital the first round because my insurance would not pay for the shot to keep my blood counts up. They had no problem paying for it after the four day hospital stay. J

I completed six rounds of chemo, ending up in the hospital again on the last round. The stuff nearly killed me. A month later I started radiation, every day for six-and-a-half weeks. I also returned to work during that time. I still have to have Herceptin infusions every three weeks and yesterday I started taking Tamoxifen. I’ve been slowly returning to “normal”. Whatever the new “normal” is.

I lost 23 lbs. during the cancer treatment. Not a great way to lose it, but a loss is a loss, right? Unfortunately, as I’ve started getting back to “normal”, I’ve gained most of it back. That is frustrating to me. I don’t want to gain it back. I don’t want to eat junk and be inactive. I don’t want to be at a higher risk of a cancer recurrence.

And then it hit me. I didn’t come back from the edge of death to live my way right back to it. I did not fight my way through death to live my way back to it. It’s time to make some changes.

When you think about it, there’s nothing that says the new “normal” has to be anything like the old one. And that doesn’t just go for me. It doesn’t just apply to someone who fought their way through cancer. It can apply to anyone who has gone through anything and is in a time of transition. A new job. A new living situation. A new whatever. Make the most of your second chance. I don’t know what that looks like for you. For me right now that means that I am starting a new lifestyle of clean eating and exercising. Embrace the opportunity for a new “normal”.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Sondra

I am a blessed woman! My husband and oldest son put on a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner today. My oldest son says that my youngest son and I will have a turn next year. Hmmm…I’m not sure that is such a great idea!

Today I am most thankful for my immediate family and that we could all be together, in the same house, at the same time. Between the four of us and our jobs and school, being together in one place rarely happens. But today, we were able to be together and linger there. What a blessing!

That is what it’s all about, right? Being with the ones you love. Being thankful for what you have been given in this life. Maybe we don’t have the house of our dreams or the job of our dreams. Maybe (definitely) our family is not perfect. Maybe our car is broken down more than it’s running. Or the washing machine frequently doesn’t spin out and we have to go back through the spin cycle again, giving the barrel a turn to get it started. Someone probably overcooked a turkey or didn’t get all the lumps out of the mashed potatoes today. So what? Those things are light and momentary compared to eternity. Be thankful for what you have, today and everyday. The key to being content is not having what you want, but being thankful for what you have.

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Redeem

Sondra

Today I had my diagnostic mammogram. It lead to an ultrasound. When the radiologist came in, he had no clear answer for me, so we now go for a lumpectomy and a biopsy. I’m waiting on scheduling to call and schedule an appointment with me.

I dislike waiting. Seriously. Unless you know me, you cannot know the truth of this statement. I am a hard headed redhead with a type A personality. When I set my mind to do something, I want it done. Now. Ask my kids. They have stories.

So when I learned that I have to wait some more to put this lump issue to rest, I had a choice to make. I could worry and fret and stay in my pajamas and eat candy cane kisses all Thanksgiving break, or I could redeem it. I could wallow in self-pity. Or I could praise Jesus for His hand that holds me. I could abandon hope and forfeit. Or I could redeem the situation.

I choose to redeem the situation. What the enemy has meant for harm, God will turn into good. And I plan to tell everyone about it! No weapon formed against me shall prosper. That’s a promise I can stand on. The enemy is trying to silence me, but I refuse to let that happen.

Redeem. I love that word. It means to reclaim something. And in this season of my life, I am learning to reclaim a lot of things. And I’m relishing in the fact that God is a redeeming God. He reclaims things for His purpose. Every situation. Every circumstance.
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Giving the Cat a Bath

Sondra

Psalms 143:8 NLT “Let me hear of Your unfailing love in the morning, for I am trusting in You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You.”

I started out my morning very early. I had not intended to get up that early. In fact, I had told my husband the day before that I was going to sleep in because I did not have to take my son to school before I went to work. That was my plan. It was not God’s plan for my day.

Instead, I was awake by 3am and in the prayer room at church before 5am.  Why? Because I desired to hear from God. Because I needed to leave the distractions at home and get away to a place where I could hear solely from God.  I am not bragging. I would never wake up this early on my own. But when God wants to speak to me, I’ve learned to wake up and take note.

The writer of Psalms knew the importance of meeting with God in the morning. He understood that when we meet with God first thing in the morning, we invite Him to take control of our whole day. He has control of it anyway, but when we surrender to that knowledge instead of fighting against it, things happen. Things begin to click in our lives. We realize that things  are falling into place, into Him, instead of falling apart. Life becomes less like giving the cat a bath and more like soaking in a bubble bath of God’s presence and power and love.

God is for us and He has amazing things for us to do today. Wake up and walk in His way!

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New

Sondra

New. That’s the word I’m getting as I sit and focus on God this morning. Granted, it’s a little later than normal because it’s Saturday and I slept in this morning, but it’s still morning. For another 35 minutes….

There’s something about new things, isn’t there? New clothes that you put on and wear into public for the first time. Oh, the joys of hearing someone compliment you on your new outfit. Before you know it, it’s just another “old thing” hanging in the back of your closet (or laying on the floor of your closet).

A new car. I remember when I first got Oliver (my car). It was exciting to drive him. He was the car of my dreams. I relished in the compliments. I secretly smiled every time someone stared at him (secretly because I didn’t want to appear prideful). I kept him spotless. I told my teenage boys, “There shall be no eating or drinking in Oliver.” He’s still new, but not NEW and sometimes i forego a wash or leave a cup in the cup holder or don’t vacuum up the crumbs right away.

A new job. The thrill of adventure as you embark on a new chapter in your life. It’s exhilarating. It’s fun to get up and go to work every morning. You have big plans to take over the company. And then, it’s not new anymore. Something happens that bursts your bubble and it becomes a tired old 9-5 again. Sundays come around and you begin dreading Monday morning, draining the last bit of joy out of your weekend.

New is fun. New is exciting. When something is new, we are on top of the world. As I sit here and write, I see how that happens in our walk with God as well. I remember when my walk with God was new and fresh. I remember the big plans I had to meet with Him every morning to pray and read my Bible. I remember my thoughts about Him were without ceasing. I remember how I surrendered every single ounce of my being to Him and thought that I could take on the world for the sake of Christ. I was like the writer of Psalms who said, “For by You I can run against a troop. By my God I can leap over a wall.” That was me when my walk with God was new. And I venture to guess that was you, too.

But the newness wears off. Life gets busy and we begin to cut corners. We begin to put things off or on the back burner…just for a moment. Moments become days and suddenly, those new clothes, that new car, that new job, that new life in Christ loses its luster.

But there is hope. At least for your walk with God. I can’t do much about your clothes, your car, or your job, but I can tell you that the Bible says that “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” God is a Creator. He can take nothing and make it into something new and beautiful, again or for the very first time.

Choose to be made new today. Go searching for your first love again. Surrender everything to God all over again. Reclaim your newness of life in Christ! And let your newness shine forth like a light in the darkness!

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Ready

Sondra

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever You will call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

And my faith will be made stronger,

In the Presence of my Savior”

– Oceans, Hillsong

 

Those are the words I sand tonight in the worship service. A great worship service. A worship service that started before it was even time to start church. “Oceans” was the last song we sang. I had prayed. I had worshiped. I had told God that I would do anything. And then “Oceans” played and I sang the words and God said, “Do you really mean it? You’re singing about going where you have to trust Me completely. You’re asking to walk upon waters that you would never walk without Me calling you there. You’re asking me to make your faith stronger. Do you mean it?”

“Of course, God. Of course I mean it.” I said.

He went on. “What if the place I call you to is a cancer ward? Would you go there? Would you tell them about Me? Would you take My Hope to them? For Me? Are you really ready to go where your trust is without borders and walk upon the waters where I call you? Are you really ready to go deeper than you would ever dare to go if I hadn’t called you? Are you ready for Me to make your faith stronger?”

“I’m ready.” I replied.

And in case there was any doubt about what He had just said to me, He confirms it with a scripture I had read on the way to church. Ok, God. I get it. You sealed the deal.

I really am ready. I want to go where God leads me. I want to say what He wants me to say. I want to do what He has planned for me to do. Why? Because His plans for me are very good. Because I know that ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I don’t know what His purpose is. I don’t know if tonight was literal, or a test as the one Abraham was faced with when God asked him to give Isaac. But I know that whatever His purpose, my trust in Him has no borders.

I leave you with this, my declaration of exuberant faith.

Psalm 27 (NLT)

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
 When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.

 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
 Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Trust

Sondra

I’ve wanted to start blogging again for a few days. Of course, I haven’t had time to do it, but I’ve wanted to. And today seems like the perfect time to start.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. I needed to have a check-up with my blood pressure, but i also wanted the doctor to check out the lump I found in my breast a couple weeks ago. It is in the same location where they did two mammograms back in February. He ordered another mammogram. I don’t have one scheduled yet, but they are supposed to call to make an appointment. Hopefully Monday.

I’m a type A personality, so I want to get it over with ASAP. I don’t need a mammogram to tell me there is something there because I can feel it there. I need to skip to the step where they just do a test to figure out what it is and then deal with it. But, I wait, which is hard for me.

It’s not that I’m worried. Not much. I don’t believe that it is anything to worry about. I believe that it is nothing. I don’t expect to have to go through a long journey with this. But, if it turns out to be something and I do have to go on a long journey, I trust that God’s got this. I trust that this is part of His plan for me and that He has it all under control. I trust that, if this is something, my world is not falling apart, but it’s falling into His plan that He had for my life from the very beginning. I am His masterpiece…His best work…created to do the good works He had planned for me from the beginning. Before He formed me in the womb, He knew me. He knew exactly where I would be today. And where I’ll be tomorrow.

Today, my faith is strong. Today there is no wavering in me. I can’t promise tomorrow will be like this. I can’t tell you that I won’t be an emotional wreck tomorrow. I can’t promise that fear won’t overtake me tomorrow. All I know is that, through every single breath, I must trust God.

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More

Sondra

I’m tired. Not tired in the physical sense. Not tired as in, I just can’t physically go another step. Not tired as in, I’ve had a hard day and I need a nap. But spiritually tired. Emotionally tired. I’m tired of doing church like normal. I’m tired of going to church and leaving the same way. I’m so tired of it that going to “church as normal” gets harder and harder to do every single week. I’m so tired of it, that preparing for youth service or worship service of “church as normal” gets harder and harder to do every week. I’m discontent. I know the Bible has a lot to say about contentment, but I think that contentment is the spirit that got us into this mess in the first place. Every week we are satisfied to come to church as normal. Sing three songs; verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, bridge, chorus; verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, bridge, chorus; etc. Every once in a while we might mix it up and sing the chorus and then verse 1. Listen to the preacher talk about something. Sing a song for altar call. Go home. Just. Like. Normal. Who in the world said it was ok to be satisfied with that???

I am so tired of it that I cannot go to another service without experiencing God. I am so tired of it that I cannot “do” another youth service without God moving. I am so tired of it that I cannot go another day, not even another minute, without an encounter with God. I want more. I NEED more. I need to see Him more. I need to hear Him more. I need to know Him more.

And I wonder how in the world we can sing songs like “Holy Spirit, You Are Welcome Here” and act the way we do. Is He really welcome? Do we really want Him to break into our “church as normal” and do what He wants to do? Because that might be inconvenient. It might be painful. It might take a while. Do we really want that? I do.

I want to be overcome by His presence. My soul longs for it like my lungs long for oxygen. I want to breathe Him in. To be completely loved and overtaken. I will not be satisfied with anything less. I will not settle for “church as normal” anymore.